December 21, 2014
I am many things. I am a son, a brother, a husband, and a
father. I am also a cogitator. When something strikes me as profound, it
stays with. One particular thought from
early adolescence remains with me still today, and I continue to ponder it
often. That thought is the concept of
being a “good man.”
The
thought was brought to the forefront of my mind at a funeral, of all
places. This particular funeral was for
a Great Uncle on my mother’s side of the family. A man greatly respected and loved by many, who
lived a remarkably simple life in a small town in southern Kentucky. His son is an accomplished man, now in his
fifties, who was a lawyer and an active politician. He is incredibly
intelligent and well spoken. On this
particular day, he spoke the words of his father’s eulogy.
He
spoke primarily about the title his father held in the highest regard during
his lifetime, which was being named a “good man.” He stated that, for his father to call
someone a good man was the highest honor he could bestow upon someone. A good man, in his eyes, was someone who was
selfless, provided for his family, supported them on every level, was
respectful, and a gentlemen. His speech
culminated in him declaring his father a good man, and a room full of tearful
family members and other loved ones. To
this day, this remains one of the most touching moments I have ever
experienced.
There
was little to see from my back seat window on the long drive home, besides some
trees, tobacco, and the occasional cow.
Where another young man my age would have been engrossed in music, a
book, or a video game while riding in the car with his parents, I began to
ponder the words I had heard just hours before.
I began asking myself, what does being a good man mean to me? To this day, I am not sure that I have
managed to ascertain my own definition of what comprises a good man. I have determined, however, that my greatest
aspiration in life is to become one.
Now,
some fifteen years later, I have a son of my own and another that may arrive
any minute. In fact, I am writing this
from a cramped corner “desk” in a small hospital room where my wife sleeps, and
my unborn child is being monitored for heart rate inconsistencies. Her bed ridden state is the only reason I
have the time to begin transcribing my thoughts. As I anxiously listen to the reassuring
thumps of my son’s heartbeat, I think back to a time nearly four years ago in
this same hospital, when my oldest son was born. Not unlike his brother, my first son sent his
parents into a panic when he decided to make an early arrival at only 34 weeks
gestation.
While
I have heard other parents talk about their children who were born at 27 or 28
weeks, and spent months upon months in the neonatal intensive care unit, it is
of little comfort to a parent with a child in the hospital. The old saying, “It could always be worse”
does nothing for a parent who cannot hold their child when it is born, and who
must watch them struggle through an extended hospital stay. Nor did it provide any relief during the
first six months of my son’s life as he battled colic, and my wife and I
struggled to sleep for an hour at a time.
Unfortunately, it appears that my wife and I will be taking on this battle
for a second time very soon, when our second son decides to make his arrival.
As
I consider the journey ahead, and all its potential hardships, I think back to
the words I heard all those years ago.
What would a good man do in this situation? I know for certain that a good man would
support his wife, laugh with her during the good times, and dry her tears
during the bad as she recovers and begins raising a child. A good man would jump out of bed in the
middle of the night and tend to his new born child so his wife might get a few
more minutes of precious sleep. A good
man, in this instance, must be tireless in his efforts to comfort and support
each member of his family. All of which
I will do to the best of my ability.
However,
during times like these, it is difficult for a man to feel “good” in any sense
of the word. Physically, he will likely
be exhausted to the point of illness.
However, his mental state is likely to suffer the most. After all, how could any man allow an
innocent infant to suffer such hardships?
There must have been something he could have done that would have
prevented this child’s struggles, or worse, something he did to cause them.
While
these thoughts race through my head, I attempt to reassure myself that my wife and
I took every preventative measure possible during this pregnancy. We followed doctor’s orders without
question. We visited specialists
regularly, and never rescheduled an appointment. My wife also suffered through an incredibly
painful weekly injection, the side effects of which lasted for days. It always seemed that, as soon as she
recovered from the previous injection, it was time for another. If she discontinued the injections we were
assured that he risk of preterm labor increased substantially, and for that
reason she continued them for nearly four months.
In spite of all these
precautions, here we are again, in the hospital awaiting another preterm birth. To say that I am disappointed would be an
understatement. Distraught may be a more
accurate description of my feelings, but it still doesn’t completely explain
them. Depressed would also certainly be an effective description. However, no
good man would ever let on that he is experiencing these feelings, especially
to his wife and family. A good man would
strap on a smile, remain strong, and begin to overcome his weak and
unacceptable thoughts. Perhaps, in this
way, I’ll never become a good man like my great uncle, my grandfather, and my
father. Maybe by writing this, I am in
some way surrendering what remains of my chances of attaining that title.
While I may not be able
to overcome my thoughts, or prevent the struggles of my sons early in life, I
can make a promise to them. I can vow
that, even though my sons have to struggle through the earliest months of life,
I will carry the burden of preventing every potential struggle they may
encounter from this moment forward. I
will work tirelessly to earn a respectable living and provide them. I will do whatever it takes to better myself,
improve their lives, and ensure that they receive an outstanding education. I will work diligently to maintain a healthy,
happy, supportive, and loving home. I
will be there for them regardless of the circumstance whenever they need me.
Most of all, I vow to
do everything within my means to exemplify a good man. I will make it my life’s work to be a man
that they can look up to, and admire, in hopes that one day they will take a
similar approach to life and become that man for their own family. Only if, at the end of my days, my sons can
stand together and say “Our father was a good man,” will I consider myself a
success.
Josh Oakes
